You Looked Really Sick

I guess somewhere around the second anniversary is when people start talking about things… A conversation came up this weekend and turned to what was happening in my life two years ago.

I weigh less today than I did the day I graduated from high school, which for reference isn’t much. I gained some weight in college and lost it all, plus some, while in DKA (not how you’re supposed to do it). That came up in the conversation and then my friend said, “It didn’t really hit me how sick you were until I saw you at your dad’s funeral. You looked so small.”

It was tough to pack clothes for calling hours and the funeral, because all of my clothes were too big. Only a few people really noticed that I was 30 pounds lighter than the last time they saw me (2 1/2 months earlier) or that the backs of my hands had a greenish hue from IV bruising. My friend, saw everything that was happening.

Two years ago, I was in a dark time. I’m still pretty angry that so many things happened at once, not allowing me to handle them as they came or celebrate the good things that were also happening because the dark outweighed it. I’m still angry that my diagnosis and my dad’s death were separated by only four days and that diabetes didn’t let me grieve the way I should have been able to and it didn’t let me spend the time with my parents because it had me stuck in a hospital bed.

My second diaversary passed unceremoniously on Sunday, and I’m okay with that. The timing is interesting though because the conversation I mentioned happened on Saturday and in the past couple of weeks Brad and I have found ourselves talking about what happened in August of 2011 more freely. It’s still not a subject we like to talk about, but it’s no longer avoided. I’ve learned things that were said and done during that time that I didn’t know about.

This year, the happy event of one of my best friends getting married is keeping my thoughts busy and hopeful. I find that this August, I regret less and dwell less on everything I lost two years ago.

Having two years between you and several life-changing events somehow makes them a little easier to think about. It’s always easier when you see the progress you’ve made since them as well.

2 thoughts on “You Looked Really Sick

  1. Oh Rachel, I didn’t realize your diagnosis and your father’s passing all happened at the same time!! I officially rescind my tweet from this morning about a belated diaversary celebration. But I’m glad the two years has made thinking about that time a little bit easier. You’re in my thoughts!

  2. Pingback: Serious Business | ProbablyRachel

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